What The Ego Wants

I just spent a few days with my family and it was interesting to observe myself in some of the interactions. 

My Mom made a suggestion about a restaurant to go to, even though she’s already taken me there probably a dozen times…

We went on a kayak together and she asked me if I knew how to do it, even though we’ve probably already done it about a dozen times…

I put some breakfast in the toaster, and my grandma heard the ‘ding’ and notified me that the toaster was done, even though I heard it myself and was on my way toward it...

These were simple, everyday situations but there was a lot happening behind the scenes. In my initial gut-reaction, I felt myself getting frustrated or offended: 

“Does she not remember that I’ve been to this restaurant before?” “She doesn’t think I know how to kayak?” “She doesn’t think I know when my food is ready?” 

Because I had the presence to observe these feelings, I didn’t let them influence how I chose to behave. Instead I got curious about why I had those thoughts in the first place. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my Mom and Grandma, I realized that these situations involving them was triggering my ego.

The ego acts as your sense of individuality. It defines the border between you and others, and wants to validate where you fit in relative to the group. My mentor David Meltzer often talks about how the ego uses separation and comparison to achieve that individuality, and expresses it through various needs: To be right, to be offended, to feel inferior, to feel superior, to be recognized… To be separate.

The ego also has the intention to preserve a positive self-image. It wants to boost your perceived status within the group, which is why it often gets the reputation for contributing to arrogance and selfishness. The ego interprets situations around you through a lens that’s designed to make you look good or feel better about yourself, which then leads to corresponding behaviors.

That’s exactly what happened during my family time. My ego was trying to hijack the moment and be heard. But through intentionality and self-awareness, I could control those impulses so that they didn't send me in the wrong direction. 

I told my mom without tone or frustration that we’ve been to that restaurant before. I explained that I’ve been on a kayak many times, and feel capable, in a non-condescending way. I thanked my grandma for telling me the toaster had finished.

It’s interesting to think about what you think. And it’s important to observe your behaviors and lived experience because it provides clues to what’s happening behind the scenes.