Some incredible things have been materializing in my life recently and all of it comes back to one thing: Being helpful. As I look back at how the dots have connected, I can trace it back to specific moments where I went out of my way to help others.

It’s a classic trail of supporting one person here… Which got me an invite there… Which got me in a specific room… Where I met a specific person… Who made an introduction for me… Which opened a new door… And the rest is history.

While I’m thinking a lot about it now, this isn’t new to me. Having an intention to be helpful is something I’ve imperfectly tried to thread into everything I do. It’s an intention to serve others, to be abundant, and go above and beyond to support people in ways that the average person wouldn’t or doesn’t think makes sense.

I’m not sharing this to virtue signal, but to share that there’s something about this that just works. It’s wild to see how things come full circle, and one completely unrelated detail becomes a key piece of what’s to come. Being helpful causes something bigger to happen that’s hard to explain.

I’m also not sharing this to say that you should be helpful just because it benefits you. Even though that’s what happens, it’s not a reason to do it. When you ‘give’ to ‘get’, it has a certain energy to it. It makes you look for ways to cash in on the good karma before it’s had time to take hold. The most powerful ways the universe works is through the unpredicted, unexpected channels it opens up for you on your behalf.

That’s why it’s not enough to just be helpful. You also must have faith. Faith that “what goes around, comes around”. Faith that the fastest path to making your dreams come true is by making other people’s dreams come true. Faith that doing the right thing is always the right thing, and that no matter what, you’ll always be taken care of. 

That’s the spirit of true, genuine generosity. That’s what makes you abundant. And that’s what makes you a magnet for value in the world, because the universe trusts you to steward the goodness it has to offer as it flows through you in the right direction. 

I’m committed to finding more ways to be helpful, be of service, and stop getting in the way of the bigger plan that the universe has in store for me. 

Again I don’t do it perfectly. I have my faults, my mistakes, my ego, and my moments of scarcity. But the more I override that and give, the more fulfillment and purpose I’m given.

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In studying many different theories of self-sabotage and developing some of my own, there’s one important detail that I think keeps getting left out...

When you directly translate the words, the idea of 'self-sabotage' is undeniably negative. How unfortunate is it that we find ways to ‘sabotage’ our own success and happiness… How limiting is it that something inside of us is actively fighting against doing what’s in our best interest… How discouraging is it to think that we are our own enemy…

Self-sabotage has gotten a bad reputation, and rightfully so. But if we were to rephrase it so that it represents its real intention rather than just look at the outcome, we’d become more sympathetic to it.

And this is the reframe: Self-sabotage is self-protection.

Your unconscious mind doesn't want to see you fail. All parts of you want you to be happy, thriving, and making the most out of life. It’s unreasonable to think that your mind is actively trying to make your life harder, and is unconsciously preventing you from getting what you consciously want.

What’s not being translated is that self-sabotage happens with good intentions. The resistance to change, bold action taking, and following through that we know to be ‘self-sabotage’ is actually being done in your best interest.

Your unconscious mind is designed to keep you safe and alive. It registers all new things as a threat and therefore, with good intentions, tries to prevent them from happening. Self-sabotage is actually protecting you from doing what it believes will harm you.

The reason we don’t appreciate this is because it conflicts with what you consciously want. You want to grow your business, you want the healthy lifestyle, you want the incredible relationship, you want to make an impact… And this force that makes it harder to achieve all of those things is viewed as opposition.

That’s not to say that we let it win. Self-sabotage is real and the single greatest limiting factor in our lives. But it means well, and if we can learn to appreciate it, accept it, choose to overcome it, and be patient with ourselves when it slows us down, we unlock our ability to actually make faster progress toward our goals.

Something that is impossible to avoid in life is conflict and disagreement with others. Two different people have two different perspectives, which means that they can’t see the same situation exactly the same way. There’s context, information, and history that goes into each persons perspective that makes it unique.  

These are often the missing details that cause people to miscommunicate and for intentions to be misunderstood. And in some cases, this misalignment can be so significant that it leads to someone getting upset with the other.

With that in mind, the next time someone gets upset with you, assume there’s a good reason they’re mad.

It’s important to never invalidate someone else’s feelings - What they’re experiencing is real for them. But this isn’t just for their benefit, it’s also a way for you to make sure you’re approaching the situation in a constructive way. When someone is mad at you it can feel like a personal attack. If someone attacks, the natural response is to defend. But getting defensive doesn’t help in this situation because it just escalates emotions and creates more separation in perspective. When you assume someone has a good reason for being mad it encourages you to fill in the details of their perspective you’re missing.

This is top of mind for me because it happened recently. Without getting into details, my wife was upset with me. A part of me wanted to be mad at her for being mad at me, wanting to argue that I didn’t do anything wrong, but instead I chose to take a more curious approach. By listening and understanding her point of view, I got to learn more about the way she had interpreted the things I did, why it was hurtful to her, and it all made sense.

In response to that I offered my side of the story, offered details that she wasn’t aware of, and it helped settle her mind because she realized I wasn’t acting with bad intentions. Through that my actions made more sense to her.

Assuming you want to resolve a conflict, the best way to achieve that is by not creating more conflict. Assume the other person has a good reason for being mad, understand that reason, empathize with them, and move through it together.

Have you ever heard the expression that goes “You’re caught in no man's land”? It’s often used in sports when someone is caught out of position, and it basically means that you’ve found yourself in a spot where you’re set up for failure, often by mistake.

In ‘The Compound Effect’, Darren Hardy describes that "No Man's Land" for people seeking to improve their lives is “not being happy, but not being unhappy enough to do anything about it.”

You can sense how stuck someone would be in this state. No one wants to be unhappy, but it’s a level of unhappiness that doesn’t meet the threshold required to change it. The pain of the unhappiness isn’t enough to inspire action.

Life is meant to be full and new, but being in "No Man's Land" creates a life that is static, stale, uneventful, and dull. Where things are just good enough. And since there’s no real motivation to change, it leads to complacency, toleration, lost time and missed potential.

That’s why there are a few things we must always be doing in our self-improvement to avoid getting caught in "no man's land":

First, it’s always important to reconnect to what you want. The clarity of what you’re working toward, and how you envision things can change for the better, creates an underlying tension that generates motivation. Complacency comes up when you don’t want any different.

Second is to always be in dynamic action. As long as you’re taking action, you’re influencing your results. New actions create new results that you get to observe, learn from, and incorporate as feedback. You can’t stay stuck if you’re always in motion.

And third is to always surround yourself with ideas and people that remind you that more is possible. That give you hope and show you how abundant the world is. Keeping yourself in a positive environment will provide a constant encouragement to keep seeking better, for yourself, for others, and for the world. And the pursuit of that rewards you with meaning and fulfillment.

Getting unstuck, and removing yourself from being caught in "no man's land" just involves choosing to move. Doing one thing differently. And if you want to make your next move one that radically transforms your environment, and kicks you into gear with next level habits that give you the energy to constantly seek improvement, I’ve designed the 21 Day Super Habits Challenge to help you do exactly that.

When it comes to generating more positive results in our lives, let’s not overcomplicate it. It really comes from these two things: Doing more of what works and doing less of what doesn’t. 

Speaking more on the latter, it can be hard to release what’s not working. There’s a constant internal tension between our conscious desires and our unconscious need to keep things the same. New results makes life uncertain and less psychologically safe, and it’s this force to maintain our safety that makes it so hard to let go of what isn’t serving us.

So rather than releasing, we hold on to what’s familiar and predictable. We prefer the “devil we know to the devil we don’t” because it’s more certain, and we can mentally prepare for it. 

The particularly challenging part is, our mind will actually start to rationalize why things are okay the way they are. And if we don’t think to question it, we’ll believe it. Rationalization is a form of self-sabotage and a way the unconscious mind actively works to prevent change. 

It ties into a psychological principle Robert Cialdini talks about called ‘commitment and consistency’. Essentially we all have a bias to make choices that align with previous choices even when it no longer makes sense. It causes us to rationalize situations favorably rather than see them objectively. 

But when you can successfully release what’s not working, you start angling in a more desirable direction. Easier said than done, but here’s an example of how I did it:

For years I held onto entitlement. That it was unfair to not get the result I wanted if I felt like I did everything I should to achieve it. This kept me in an underperforming cycle of working hard doing the wrong things, and it was frustrating. It stayed that way until I released my entitlement in a ceremony where I literally burned it at the top of a mountain, and once I did it freed me up to be less emotionally invested in my results, receive feedback better, and ultimately do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

Applying this to your life, I want you to ask yourself this question: What have you been holding onto for too long, that hasn’t been working, that it’s probably time to release? The first step, as always, is awareness.

A model many people use to describe the way life works is the “Hero's Journey”. Popularized by Joseph Campbell, there are various stages we all go through as part of our personal evolution, that are all meaningful in their own way. 

The Hero's Journey begins when you respond to your ‘Call To Adventure’ where you step up to the challenge in front of you rather than stay back in comfort and complacency. There are guides that help you navigate the path ahead, dragons to slay, a foe to defeat, and a return to normalcy but with a fresh perspective

Without getting into too much detail, the engine behind the Hero's Journey can be simplified into 3 parts: Character, Desire, and Conflict.

In other words, somebody wants something, but then something happens or there’s something getting in the way...

It’s a classic story arc. Little Red Riding Hood wants to get to grandmas house but there’s a wolf in the way. Froto wants to protect the ring but evil is trying to steal it from him. Even Napoleon Dynamite wants to make friends but his quirkiness and social skills make it difficult.

It’s a dynamic that happens in macro and micro ways, and it’s woven into every area of our lives. The only thing keeping us from having what we want is the resistance in between, and in our own ways we’re each on a quest within our own Hero's Journey.

Like wanting to get into better shape but you have bad habits. Wanting to double your business but you don’t know how to market yourself. Wanting to be more focused throughout the day but you get bombarded with distractions...

While it’s great and validating to get what you desire, the Hero's Journey isn't designed for achievement. It's a cycle. There will always be a next step to courageously step forward into. That’s why the real purpose of it all is to support your growth as a person. And that’s why you’re always exactly where you need to be, because whatever lies ahead of you on your Hero's Journey is what you’re meant to experience as part of your personal evolution.

So rather than feeling like you’re falling behind or being disappointed in yourself, trust that there’s something bigger happening for you. The only way you stay stuck is if you choose to stay complacent and refuse to fight the battle in front of you.

And an interesting question I heard Sahil Bloom ask that I want to propose to you, that illuminates your next battle, is: “If you were the main character in a movie, what would the audience watching it be screaming at you to do next?”

I recently came across something fascinating called the Pygmalion Effect. Basically it’s a psychological principle where an individuals’ performance is impacted by someone else’s expectation for them. It’s based on the urban legend of a sculptor named Pygmalion who loved his sculpture so much that he willed it to life. 

The Pygmalion Effect works positively and negatively. Someone who has high expectations imposed on them, like the child of two doctors, is more likely to rise to higher levels. And equally someone who has low expectations for their life is more likely to tolerate low levels of performance, like a child who has limited family support. 

In other words, the Pygmalion effect explains how others' expectation of you serves as an environment that influences you. Our environment is constantly feeding factors that impact our choices, and from there the actions we take that create the results we experience. Our environment is unrelenting as it constantly nudges us in a certain direction, and the power of its influence is often underestimated and unknown. 

This mechanism operates in a way that’s similar to the concept of manifestation. Manifestation isn’t a result of just thinking things into existence, it’s a process of priming your awareness so that you notice pathways toward achieving something specific. It’s not that manifestation creates new options, it reveals the options that were already available. And those who take action on those options then manifest the results they’re seeking. 

Your future isn’t determined by accident or randomly... It’s the byproduct of the factors that are designed into your life. Your health, income, and relationships are all a specific and calculated output. You can analyze what happened behind the scenes to produce a certain end. It’s called ‘cause and effect’ and it’s a universal law that all things are affected by.

If your life isn’t where you want it to be, it’s likely because your environment is pushing you further away from what you want, and creating resistance to you being consistent with the right actions that will generate the right results. But you can get the environment to start working for you, not against you, so all of the success you’ve earned starts to flow naturally instead of it being a constant fight!

We all have our moments...

Where we lack self-discipline and negotiate with ourselves about a commitment we make...

Where we feel the urge to cut corners even though we know there are consequences to it...

When we lose self-control in conversations, in our choices, and in our emotions that lead that’s out of integrity with who we want to be.

There’s nothing wrong with you, or me, or anyone who goes through this. It’s in our human nature where psychologically the unconscious mind is trying to convince us to conserve energy and stay comfortable, and it’s a constant battle to override it.

However, something that's really effective at overcoming those forces is having other people watch you. It’s called “the audience effect”. It works because it taps into our unconscious mind’s desire to be accepted and seen positively within a group, and causes us to show up with more discipline and conviction than we otherwise would by ourselves.

But I want to take that a step further. Rather than the observer being someone random, imagine that your hero was watching. The person whose opinion you care a lot about, whose respect you want to earn, and who can tell the difference between you applying yourself and going through the motions.

When you bring that person’s perspective to mind, it illuminates the path forward. You’re less willing to convince yourself of doing anything that’s less than your best, because your heroes demand excellence. It injects clarity and awareness for what you need to do, and helps you muster up the motivation required to follow through on it.

This is especially helpful in a moment of laziness, uncertainty, or distraction. When you catch yourself doing something out of alignment, the thought of what your hero would say in that moment will drive you to change. You notice that you’re mindlessly scrolling social media and get back on schedule. You’re procrastinating a workout, so you get right to it. You pull yourself out of a research rabbit hole and get back to work on the project.

You can use this technique by simply asking yourself “What would my hero be thinking about me and my choices in this moment?” the next time you’re off-track. Even though it’s fake, it adds a perspective that works better than you think it would.

That is, as long as you pick the right heroes whose values match yours, and who appreciate that holistically healthy, successful, present, impactful life you see for yourself.